I am in a season of trial in my life. Every where I go every person I come in contact with is a test for me. God is refining me. Completely refining me. I had a great evening of fellowship with my aunt last night. We talked about things and prayed and I received a lot of clarity annnd a lot of questions. I have been feeling convicted for things that I never thought I would feel convicted for. As I have been trying to eliminate sin from my life, I am learning that sin is a different level for every person depending on where they are in their walk with Christ. A few years ago for me, sinning was drinking or using bad language, and of course the no murder, no adultery all of those obvious things. But God has brought my knowledge of sin to a completely different level. I have always felt that I was supposed to try to live with good morals and pray and worship once a week or so at church but I have had a huge awakening in what it means to follow Christ. I understand God doesn't call us all to do the same thing. For me, the more He refines me and after I get through a wave of trial and I am in my time of peace and rest, I learn that God is calling me to a higher place in His kingdom. He is calling me to live a lifestyle of worship and to sacrifice things that I at one time thought I needed. We can go to heaven without sacrificing things for him, but the more you give yourself to Him truly, the more he asks of you and the deeper your faith and the more your reward. I don't know how I feel about doing things for God just for a reward. I know it will be cool to have treasures in heaven but I just feel like I want to serve God and give my life to Him just because I love Him and I fear Him. I fear grieving his spirit. I fear making him angry. I only want to please Him and I want Him to look at me and say,"well done." That is all that I can think about when I feel this burning in my heart to be refined and to be without spot or blemish. I can't bear the thought of standing before him, knowing that I didn't give my whole heart and soul for Him. Right now I am in a mourning time. God is asking Derek and I to do some huge things that are very hard for us. Yesterday I was so broken I had a time that I felt completely numb. But he gave me a spiritual strength. He is preparing us for His call. We know he has called us to music ministry but we are beginning to think it is not necessarily going to bring us an income. God has set us up to lead worship with my aunt's ministry in Pasadena. It is a huge honor for God to call us to do this. Refreshing to feel God pulling you to a place and to know that it isn't because the money is alluring. To actually feel God pulling you to a place that offers no income, asking only to allow him to use us to invite the Holy Spirit and invite others to worship him is nothing short of a numbingly beautiful reality. God's will is perfect. I love that I don't have to understand everything that he is doing. I just trust him and it always works out and it makes me lift my hands in praise to Him when I see the fruit of the visions he has given me.
I have a heart for anyone that needs Christ and it breaks my heart to know that I have caused others to stumble in the past and I hope that now I can only be used by the Holy Spirit to guide others to Christ. I do however, feel a hunger to closer to the drug addicts and prostitutes and the poor and homeless and hungry. When I am with them, I feel at home, when I am away from them, I miss them. Homeless people will at times make you feel more loved than you do with your own family. Yet people are scared of them. That is a lie from satan. If you are scared of a homeless person you should repent of it and go make friends with them. I'm not trying to sound bossy, just trying to get my point across.
Not everyone is called to do the same thing Derek and I have been called to do, but we are in fact all called to love others as yourself-
John13:34 A new command I give you; Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
John 13:35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
Romans 12:10 be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
2 Corinthians 13:11 Finally brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace, and the God of love and peace will be with you.
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love.
These verses are beautiful. They are truth.
God is truth. God is grace. God is joy. God is Peace. God is everything that is good. He is light in darkness, He is mercy in times of trial.
I have tried to write about 3 times since the last time I posted, and had to erase all of them. I found myself trying to paint a picture of God or trying to sound acceptable or smart. This was the result of some discouraging feed back I received. This is me, speaking truth and lifting up my God and what I know is true in spite of what others might believe or what others want to hurl at me. There is a song that says,"may the lost be welcomed home, by the saved and redeemed, those adopted as your own."
Those words are powerful words. As Christians, when we see someone that is lost, we judge them, we talk about them, we stare at them, we think bad thoughts about them, but this gives God no room to use us to lead people to Christ. We are the reason people think Christians are hypocrites. We have to start praying with out hesitation and blessing those who are lost and those who hate us. We have to start loving everyone, no matter who they are, no matter what they have done. If all of our sin were put up on the big screen for everyone to see I'm sure it would humble a lot of us to a place where we would see lost people differently.We have a lot of work to do.
I pray that every person I come in contact with will in come way see Jesus in my eyes. I know there are days I will fail. Especially with people that have known me my whole life. I will never be perfect, I will never be "prepared" but in my weakness I am made strong by the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 12:10 That is why for Christ's sake, I will delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.